{"id":39200,"date":"2021-06-20T17:01:32","date_gmt":"2021-06-20T16:01:32","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.akehedman.se\/wordpress\/?p=39200"},"modified":"2021-06-20T21:18:44","modified_gmt":"2021-06-20T20:18:44","slug":"suckar","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.akehedman.se\/wordpress\/?p=39200","title":{"rendered":"Suckar."},"content":{"rendered":"\n
\"\"<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

“Jag \u00e4r d\u00f6den<\/em>” s\u00e4ger den d\u00e4r r\u00f6sten i huvudet ibland. H\u00f6rs oftare nu \u00e4n r\u00f6sten som alltid sagt “Du \u00e4r v\u00e4l ingenting att ha<\/em>“. Jag ignorerar. \u00c5tminstone s\u00e5 gott jag kan. Van att under ett liv ha haft de d\u00e4r r\u00f6sterna som medboende d\u00e4r i huvudet.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

“Ses\u00e5 k\u00f6r \u00f6ver stupet<\/em>“. “L\u00e4gg handen p\u00e5 plattan<\/em>“. \u00c5tminstone jag undrade v\u00e4l tidigt \u00f6ver min mentala status efter att huvudet sagt s\u00e5dana konstigheter till en. Sen l\u00e4ste jag psykologi och f\u00f6rstod att alla har de d\u00e4r tankarna. De d\u00e4r tankarna har till och med f\u00e5tt ett namn. \u00c4r unders\u00f6kta. Katalogiserade. Omskrivna och lagda till de egenskaper vi ser som en normal m\u00e4nniska<\/em><\/strong>. Hj\u00e4lp liksom<\/strong>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Men sk\u00e4rsk\u00e5dar man det n\u00e4r normala inser man ganska snart att den d\u00e4r normala m\u00e4nniskan inte finns. Normalitet \u00e4r ett p\u00e5hitt. Vi definieras till och med av v\u00e5ra olikheter. F\u00f6r n\u00e5got annat skulle inte vara m\u00f6jligt. Likheterna \u00e4r f\u00f6r f\u00e5. F\u00f6r sv\u00e5ra att greppa. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00c4nd\u00e5 st\u00f6ter vi ut och f\u00f6rv\u00e5nas av de(t) onormala. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Man suckar.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Det \u00e4r n\u00e4r man ser som som mer normal \u00e4n “de andra<\/em>” som man skall se upp. Inte tv\u00e4rt om.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

De som k\u00e4nner mig vet att, ja, normal \u00e4r jag inte. Att jag \u00e4r stolt \u00f6ver just detta faktum \u00e4r kanske mindre k\u00e4nt.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

H\u00e4r p\u00e5 kullen \u00e4r det annars l\u00e5tsasarbetshelg. Semester i ant\u00e5gande. L\u00e5tsassemester. Vill bli “klar”. Innan visselpipan ljuder som utropar dess varande. Och f\u00f6rs\u00f6ker f\u00f6ljaktligen bli det d\u00e5. Nope, normalt \u00e4r det s\u00e5klart inte. Man borde vilja vila. Njuta. Ta det lugnt. L\u00e4ngta dit. Men nu har jag en annan kraft i mig som driver mig fram\u00e5t och g\u00f6r att jag m\u00e5ste g\u00f6ra det h\u00e4r. S\u00e5 stark \u00e4r den kraften att jag \u00e4r beredd att offra det mesta f\u00f6r den. Alternativet \u00e4r n\u00e4mligen ickeliv. Det jag \u00e4r mest r\u00e4dd f\u00f6r nu i intr\u00e4det i de \u00e5ldrades illaluktande balsalar. N\u00e4r f\u00f6rm\u00e5gorna sviker en, en efter en och ickelivet tar \u00f6ver bit f\u00f6r bit.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Men “Jag \u00e4r d\u00f6den<\/em>“. Man f\u00e5r flina lite. Eftersom den d\u00e4r r\u00f6sten \u00e4r s\u00e5 allvarlig. OK. Ta mig d\u00e5. Hellre det \u00e4n l\u00e5ngv\u00e5rden. Jo d\u00e5. Jag har jobbar d\u00e4r. Vill inte ligga i de d\u00e4r s\u00e4ngarna och v\u00e4ntan p\u00e5 en sak. Sen slutliga befrielsen. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Jag hade n\u00e5got som kanske var panik\u00e5ngest en g\u00e5ng i tiden. Sv\u00e5r\u00e5ren. Trodde jag skulle d\u00f6. Ofta h\u00e4nde det innan jag skulle somna om kv\u00e4llen. Till slut s\u00e5. Tr\u00f6tt p\u00e5 det d\u00e4r. Ok jag f\u00e5r v\u00e4l d\u00f6 d\u00e5 <\/em>t\u00e4nkte jag. Sen f\u00f6rsvann det d\u00e4r \u00f6ver n\u00e5gra dagar. Som sol p\u00e5 ett troll. Magi. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Men det \u00e4r ju l\u00e4tt f\u00f6r dig <\/em>som n\u00e5gon sa n\u00e4r jag ber\u00e4ttade det d\u00e4r. Fast det var det inte. Hade jag d\u00e5 sagt om jag nu k\u00e4nt att det varit l\u00f6nt att f\u00f6rs\u00f6ka f\u00f6rsvara sig. Men det \u00e4r s\u00e4llan l\u00f6nt att f\u00f6rsvara sin heder. Jag g\u00e5r hellre undan. Om folk best\u00e4mt sig med s\u00e4kerheten hos ett Jehovas vittne. De flesta \u00e4r d\u00e4r.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Feg. Antagligen. Har alltid varit det.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Men semester. Kanske kan jag smyga mig ner till studion och g\u00f6ra lite musik en regnig semesterdag. Av allt \u00e4r det \u00e4nd\u00e5 d\u00e4r jag hittar livets st\u00f6rsta njutning. Fast en av sk\u00e4rmarna till studiodatorn har blivit tempor\u00e4r tv d\u00e4r uppe. Det blir kr\u00e5ngligt. Jag tappar sugen innan jag ens kommer fram till “musik”.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Men tror jag har f\u00f6rlikat mig med tanken att det \u00e4r sandkonst<\/a> jag g\u00f6r. Det \u00e4r stort. Insikten allts\u00e5. \u00c5tminstone f\u00f6r mig. Men svag som jag \u00e4r i anden, s\u00e5 kommer jag s\u00e4kert \u00e4nd\u00e5 titta p\u00e5 andras framg\u00e5ngar och misstr\u00f6sta ibland \u00e4nd\u00e5. Priser. Tusen lyssnare. Tusen l\u00e4sare. Tusen anv\u00e4ndare. Fast jag vet att \u00e4r man d\u00e4r vill man ha tiotusen, hundratusen. En miljon. Sen… M\u00e4nniskan per definition. Fast allt \u00e4nd\u00e5 bara \u00e4r den d\u00e4r sandkonsten. Att njuta av att skapa. Det r\u00e4cker. Inget finns \u00e4nd\u00e5 kvar f\u00f6r evigt. Bara \u00f6gonblicket, ja det finns d\u00e4r, just d\u00e5. S\u00e5 l\u00e4nge man lever. Efter det? Spelar det n\u00e5gon roll? Om s\u00e5 f\u00f6r vem?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

“Jag \u00e4r d\u00f6den” s\u00e4ger den d\u00e4r r\u00f6sten i huvudet ibland. H\u00f6rs oftare nu \u00e4n r\u00f6sten som alltid sagt “Du \u00e4r v\u00e4l ingenting att ha“. Jag ignorerar. \u00c5tminstone s\u00e5 gott jag kan. Van att under ett liv ha haft de d\u00e4r r\u00f6sterna som medboende d\u00e4r i huvudet. “Ses\u00e5 k\u00f6r \u00f6ver stupet“. “L\u00e4gg handen p\u00e5 plattan“. \u00c5tminstone […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":24,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[24],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-39200","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-betraktelser"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":46159,"url":"https:\/\/www.akehedman.se\/wordpress\/?p=46159","url_meta":{"origin":39200,"position":0},"title":"D\u00f6st\u00e4dning","author":"\u00c5ke Hedman","date":"2023-10-03","format":false,"excerpt":"Photo by cottonbro studio on Pexels.com Ligger och t\u00e4nker i natt. Fr\u00e5n fyra till sju. Jo, \u00e4r inte s\u00e5 snabb. Om\u00f6jligt att stilla tankarna. S\u00e5 fort jag f\u00f6rs\u00f6ker slappna av s\u00e5 \u00e4r dom ig\u00e5ng alla k\u00e4rnor p\u00e5 en g\u00e5ng d\u00e4r i huvudet. Inte fan kan man sova d\u00e5. Nope. Men\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Swedish"","block_context":{"text":"Swedish","link":"https:\/\/www.akehedman.se\/wordpress\/?cat=2"},"img":{"alt_text":"white skull on white wooden table","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.akehedman.se\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/10\/pexels-photo-5095880.jpeg?resize=350%2C200&ssl=1","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.akehedman.se\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/10\/pexels-photo-5095880.jpeg?resize=350%2C200&ssl=1 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.akehedman.se\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/10\/pexels-photo-5095880.jpeg?resize=525%2C300&ssl=1 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.akehedman.se\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/10\/pexels-photo-5095880.jpeg?resize=700%2C400&ssl=1 2x"},"classes":[]},{"id":20425,"url":"https:\/\/www.akehedman.se\/wordpress\/?p=20425","url_meta":{"origin":39200,"position":1},"title":"Tittar in p\u00e5 facebook","author":"\u00c5ke Hedman","date":"2016-05-18","format":false,"excerpt":"Sk\u00f6na m\u00e4nniskor s\u00e5klart. Men jag ha inget d\u00e4r att g\u00f6ra. Vad har jag bland m\u00e4nniskorna att skaffa. S\u00e5 jag avvaktar en natt. L\u00e5ter kontot ligga d\u00e4r \u00f6ppet och puttra. L\u00e4tt utr\u00f6kt. Svettigt. Utan deodorant. Men bara tills imorgon. Sen bort igen. Flyendes som en feg liten stackare st\u00e4nger jag ner\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Betraktelser & Ber\u00e4ttelse"","block_context":{"text":"Betraktelser & Ber\u00e4ttelse","link":"https:\/\/www.akehedman.se\/wordpress\/?cat=24"},"img":{"alt_text":"IMG_1846","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.akehedman.se\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/05\/IMG_1846-1024x768.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.akehedman.se\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/05\/IMG_1846-1024x768.jpg?resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.akehedman.se\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/05\/IMG_1846-1024x768.jpg?resize=525%2C300 1.5x"},"classes":[]},{"id":39610,"url":"https:\/\/www.akehedman.se\/wordpress\/?p=39610","url_meta":{"origin":39200,"position":2},"title":"Dom?","author":"\u00c5ke Hedman","date":"2021-08-17","format":false,"excerpt":"\"Jag skall nog visa dom\". Jo jag har nog sagt det till mig sj\u00e4lv sen tio\u00e5rs\u00e5ldern. M\u00e5nga g\u00e5nger. 64*365 ~23000 n\u00e5gonting borde det bli. Ja, l\u00e4gg till 10000 p\u00e5 det. Sv\u00e5ra dar har jag nog sagt eller t\u00e4nkt det d\u00e4r mer \u00e4n en g\u00e5ng p\u00e5 ett dygn. 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Jag funderar ofta p\u00e5 det d\u00e4r eftersom jag \u00e4r en av dem som inte har n\u00e5gon. Om nu inte en mycket litet l\u00e4st blogg kan s\u00e4gas h\u00f6ras \u00e5tminstone som en viskning. Vilket, om sagt, s\u00e5klart \u00e4r en rej\u00e4l \u00f6verdrift. 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