{"id":30145,"date":"2018-10-09T09:36:01","date_gmt":"2018-10-09T08:36:01","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.akehedman.se\/wordpress\/?p=30145"},"modified":"2018-10-09T09:36:28","modified_gmt":"2018-10-09T08:36:28","slug":"30145","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.akehedman.se\/wordpress\/?p=30145","title":{"rendered":"LIksom"},"content":{"rendered":"

 <\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

Jag f\u00f6rs\u00f6ker hitta en ing\u00e5ng till dagen. T\u00e4nder ljuset. Konsultljuset. Brygger mina fyra koppar kaffe. Jo, idag smakar det fullst\u00e4ndigt skit trotts extrakopp. Men rutiner, man har ett g\u00e4ng, f\u00f6ljer dem. Mailen har hanterats. Infl\u00f6det har minskat under det h\u00e4r \u00e5ret. Det \u00e4r faktiskt s\u00e5 s\u00e4llan jag f\u00e5r ett personligt mail nu f\u00f6r tiden att jag bli upprymd i flera dagar n\u00e4r det h\u00e4nder. F\u00f6r att inte tala om telefonsamtal. Men som man b\u00e4ddar f\u00e5r man ligga. Visst \u00e4r det v\u00e4l s\u00e5? Det g\u00e5r att leva med. S\u00e5klart.<\/p>\n

Men ing\u00e5ngen g\u00e4ckar mig allts\u00e5. \u00c4nd\u00e5 finns saker som \u00e4r hur kul som helst p\u00e5 andra sidan den d\u00e4r d\u00f6rren. V\u00e4l d\u00e4r lycka. Men ibland hindras jag av “n\u00e5got”, det som vill ha mig kvar i den riktiga v\u00e4rlden. Det \u00e4r starka bojor. Som h\u00e5ller kvar de flesta utom de absolut starkaste.<\/p>\n

Jag vandrar upp och letar fram ett par kanelbullar ur frysen. Tinar. \u00c4ter lite h\u00e5gl\u00f6st. Borde inte \u00e4ta s\u00e5nt nu, idag, den h\u00e4r tiden. Men det smakar gott. Kolhydrater stiger en \u00e5t huvudet. En stund. F\u00f6rhoppningsvis kan man slinka in…<\/p>\n

Men s\u00e5 blir det inte. Man sitter d\u00e4r fortfarande h\u00e5gl\u00f6s.<\/p>\n

Fast…<\/p>\n

sen t\u00e4nker man.<\/p>\n

“Va FAN!”<\/strong><\/p>\n

men inte hj\u00e4lper det s\u00e5 mycket.<\/p>\n

S\u00e5 jag skriver n\u00e5gra ord i bloggen. Vr\u00e4ker ur mig mina frustrationen. Det hj\u00e4lper s\u00e5klart f\u00f6ga det heller. Allt jag g\u00f6r \u00e4r broadcasting ut i en eter som jag inte vet ett skit om eller tillh\u00f6r. N\u00e4r d\u00f6rren in till hemligheterna \u00e4r st\u00e4ngd svider det d\u00e4r. G\u00f6r ont rent utav. Men host, host… liksom. Det \u00e4r som det \u00e4r. Man v\u00e4njer sig vid allt.<\/p>\n

Men kanske finns det n\u00e5got p\u00e5 Aftonbladet att l\u00e4sa? Eller p\u00e5 Hela H\u00e4lsingland? Eller p\u00e5 Twitter? Man kan snurrar runt p\u00e5 de d\u00e4r siterna ett tag. L\u00e5ta livet g\u00e5. Spolas ner det i avloppet genom att l\u00e4sa strunt. Ja… eller ocks\u00e5 skiter man i det d\u00e4r och g\u00e5r och l\u00e4gger sig bredvid katten d\u00e4r uppe. Somnar. Skiter i det.<\/p>\n

Man f\u00e5r fundera p\u00e5 saken. G\u00f6ra storverk eller sova? Livsavg\u00f6rande fr\u00e5gest\u00e4llningar. Liksom.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

  Jag f\u00f6rs\u00f6ker hitta en ing\u00e5ng till dagen. T\u00e4nder ljuset. Konsultljuset. Brygger mina fyra koppar kaffe. Jo, idag smakar det fullst\u00e4ndigt skit trotts extrakopp. Men rutiner, man har ett g\u00e4ng, f\u00f6ljer dem. Mailen har hanterats. Infl\u00f6det har minskat under det h\u00e4r \u00e5ret. Det \u00e4r faktiskt s\u00e5 s\u00e4llan jag f\u00e5r ett personligt mail nu f\u00f6r tiden […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":24,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_crdt_document":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[24],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-30145","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-betraktelser"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":32496,"url":"https:\/\/www.akehedman.se\/wordpress\/?p=32496","url_meta":{"origin":30145,"position":0},"title":"Into the void","author":"\u00c5ke Hedman","date":"2019-07-05","format":false,"excerpt":"N\u00e4r man lite ofrivilligt kopplas bort fr\u00e5n v\u00e4rlden, som nu n\u00e4r jag varit sjuk ett tag, s\u00e5 m\u00e4rker man, japp lite som om man d\u00f6r faktiskt, vad som blir best\u00e5ende av ens arbete. F\u00f6rst och fr\u00e4mst \u00e4r det s\u00e5klart tystnaden. De som i normala fall kallar sig ens v\u00e4nner h\u00f6r\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Betraktelser & Ber\u00e4ttelse"","block_context":{"text":"Betraktelser & Ber\u00e4ttelse","link":"https:\/\/www.akehedman.se\/wordpress\/?cat=24"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.akehedman.se\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/09\/IMG_20180903_215145188.jpg?resize=350%2C200&ssl=1","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.akehedman.se\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/09\/IMG_20180903_215145188.jpg?resize=350%2C200&ssl=1 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.akehedman.se\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/09\/IMG_20180903_215145188.jpg?resize=525%2C300&ssl=1 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.akehedman.se\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/09\/IMG_20180903_215145188.jpg?resize=700%2C400&ssl=1 2x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.akehedman.se\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/09\/IMG_20180903_215145188.jpg?resize=1050%2C600&ssl=1 3x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.akehedman.se\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/09\/IMG_20180903_215145188.jpg?resize=1400%2C800&ssl=1 4x"},"classes":[]},{"id":23406,"url":"https:\/\/www.akehedman.se\/wordpress\/?p=23406","url_meta":{"origin":30145,"position":1},"title":"Tiden","author":"\u00c5ke Hedman","date":"2017-02-19","format":false,"excerpt":"Jag har fattat dagens f\u00f6rsta sten, nej veckans, anglosaxisk tider\u00e4kning g\u00e4ller, ja stenen ligger d\u00e4r i handen hur som helst. L\u00e4ggs snart in bland de andra i det bygge som skall bli mitt livsverk. L\u00e4ser en biografi om Leonard Cohen just nu. Lite halvtr\u00e5kig s\u00e5d\u00e4r. K blir klar med sin\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Betraktelser & Ber\u00e4ttelse"","block_context":{"text":"Betraktelser & Ber\u00e4ttelse","link":"https:\/\/www.akehedman.se\/wordpress\/?cat=24"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.akehedman.se\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/02\/Screenshot-from-2017-02-19-160545-1024x576.png?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.akehedman.se\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/02\/Screenshot-from-2017-02-19-160545-1024x576.png?resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.akehedman.se\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/02\/Screenshot-from-2017-02-19-160545-1024x576.png?resize=525%2C300 1.5x"},"classes":[]},{"id":27910,"url":"https:\/\/www.akehedman.se\/wordpress\/?p=27910","url_meta":{"origin":30145,"position":2},"title":"River","author":"\u00c5ke Hedman","date":"2018-04-12","format":false,"excerpt":"Jag river det som \u00e4r byggt f\u00f6r att bygga nytt. Det har h\u00e4nt f\u00f6r n\u00e5gra \u00e5r sedan ocks\u00e5. Har man t\u00e4nkt till \u00e4r det som att byta stockar i det nedre lagret p\u00e5 ett timmerhus. Lyft upp, ers\u00e4tt, s\u00e4nk ner. I verkligheten \u00e4r det s\u00e5klart j\u00e4vligare. Men principen sitter d\u00e4r.\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Betraktelser & Ber\u00e4ttelse"","block_context":{"text":"Betraktelser & Ber\u00e4ttelse","link":"https:\/\/www.akehedman.se\/wordpress\/?cat=24"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.akehedman.se\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/04\/IMG_20180412_232848762-1024x576.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.akehedman.se\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/04\/IMG_20180412_232848762-1024x576.jpg?resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.akehedman.se\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/04\/IMG_20180412_232848762-1024x576.jpg?resize=525%2C300 1.5x"},"classes":[]},{"id":37372,"url":"https:\/\/www.akehedman.se\/wordpress\/?p=37372","url_meta":{"origin":30145,"position":3},"title":"Slutet","author":"\u00c5ke Hedman","date":"2021-01-04","format":false,"excerpt":"N\u00e5gon sk\u00e4r halsen av mig . Det \u00e4r ett rent snabbt snitt med en mycket vass kniv. Det \u00e4r s\u00e5 jag vaknar vid pass sju h\u00e4r p\u00e5 morgonen. M\u00e5ste k\u00e4nna efter. F\u00f6rst h\u00f6gt upp och sen l\u00e4ngre ner p\u00e5 halsen. Inget snitt. Inget varmt klibbigt blod p\u00e5 h\u00e4nderna. Puh... V\u00e4nner\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Betraktelser & Ber\u00e4ttelse"","block_context":{"text":"Betraktelser & Ber\u00e4ttelse","link":"https:\/\/www.akehedman.se\/wordpress\/?cat=24"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.akehedman.se\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/01\/IMG_20210103_113354-scaled.jpg?resize=350%2C200&ssl=1","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.akehedman.se\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/01\/IMG_20210103_113354-scaled.jpg?resize=350%2C200&ssl=1 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.akehedman.se\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/01\/IMG_20210103_113354-scaled.jpg?resize=525%2C300&ssl=1 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.akehedman.se\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/01\/IMG_20210103_113354-scaled.jpg?resize=700%2C400&ssl=1 2x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.akehedman.se\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/01\/IMG_20210103_113354-scaled.jpg?resize=1050%2C600&ssl=1 3x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.akehedman.se\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/01\/IMG_20210103_113354-scaled.jpg?resize=1400%2C800&ssl=1 4x"},"classes":[]},{"id":22111,"url":"https:\/\/www.akehedman.se\/wordpress\/?p=22111","url_meta":{"origin":30145,"position":4},"title":"F\u00f6rdelen med att vara halvblind","author":"\u00c5ke Hedman","date":"2016-11-14","format":false,"excerpt":"Varmgrader ute. Bra, Hj\u00e4lper fryslortar som mig att leva. Fast konstigt nog blir man mer frusen just i det d\u00e4r skiftet runt nollan. Det m\u00e5ste v\u00e4ga \u00f6ver \u00e5t ena eller andra h\u00e5llet f\u00f6r att man skall m\u00e5 s\u00e5d\u00e4r inomhus-vinter-gott. Just nu \u00e4r jag d\u00e4r. Varmt h\u00e4r i mitt lilla rum.\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Betraktelser & Ber\u00e4ttelse"","block_context":{"text":"Betraktelser & Ber\u00e4ttelse","link":"https:\/\/www.akehedman.se\/wordpress\/?cat=24"},"img":{"alt_text":"petite","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.akehedman.se\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/10\/Petite.jpeg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.akehedman.se\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/10\/Petite.jpeg?resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.akehedman.se\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/10\/Petite.jpeg?resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.akehedman.se\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/10\/Petite.jpeg?resize=700%2C400 2x"},"classes":[]},{"id":36891,"url":"https:\/\/www.akehedman.se\/wordpress\/?p=36891","url_meta":{"origin":30145,"position":5},"title":"N\u00e4r jag g\u00e5r f\u00f6rbi","author":"\u00c5ke Hedman","date":"2020-11-21","format":false,"excerpt":"Ute, fast inne \u00e4nd\u00e5, i det jag fortfarande kallar \"studion\", h\u00e4nger dom. Gitarrerna. Ost\u00e4mda. Oanv\u00e4nda. L\u00e4mnade. Ensamma. Ledsna. Rummet \u00e4r kallst\u00e4llt. H\u00e4r \u00e4r det inte ombonat. H\u00e4r hamnar allt som inte anv\u00e4nds. Jag ser dom varje kv\u00e4ll n\u00e4r jag g\u00e5r och l\u00e4gger mig. 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