{"id":27483,"date":"2018-03-08T09:49:21","date_gmt":"2018-03-08T08:49:21","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.akehedman.se\/wordpress\/?p=27483"},"modified":"2018-03-08T09:49:21","modified_gmt":"2018-03-08T08:49:21","slug":"ge-upp-4","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.akehedman.se\/wordpress\/?p=27483","title":{"rendered":"“GE UPP!”"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/p>\n

Det \u00e4r en s\u00e5dan d\u00e4r morgon n\u00e4r allt skriker – “GE UPP!” H\u00f6gt skriks det ocks\u00e5. Det hj\u00e4lper inte att h\u00e5lla f\u00f6r \u00f6ronen. Det h\u00f6rs s\u00e5 tydligt \u00e4nd\u00e5.<\/p>\n

Ute sjunger f\u00e5glarna. Hackspetten trummar p\u00e5 ett utvalt tr\u00e4d med bra resonans. Det \u00e4r verkligen v\u00e5rk\u00e4nsla i luften. Den f\u00f6rsta dan i \u00e5r som den d\u00e4r k\u00e4nslan finns d\u00e4r p\u00e5 riktigt.<\/p>\n

Jag skjutsar ned K till jobbet. Hon har tungt att b\u00e4ra. Sl\u00e4ktforskning idag p\u00e5 biblioteket. Kaffe, bullar och kakor. De \u00e4r m\u00e5nga m\u00e4nniskorna som s\u00f6ker sina r\u00f6tter. Ju \u00e4ldre man blir desto mer betyder r\u00f6tterna. Antagligen f\u00f6r att man sj\u00e4lv snart blir en del av dem ist\u00e4llet f\u00f6r en del av de levande.<\/p>\n

N\u00e4r jag \u00e5ker tillbaks genom byn ser jag m\u00e4nniskor som jag vet vilka de \u00e4r, hejar p\u00e5, men som jag inte k\u00e4nner. Jag h\u00f6r inte hemma h\u00e4r. Men h\u00f6r inte hemma n\u00e5gon annanstans heller. Det d\u00e4r sitter inuti mig. Jag vet ju det s\u00e5 v\u00e4l. G\u00e5r inte att fly ifr\u00e5n. Inte flytta ifr\u00e5n. S\u00e5 jag \u00e5ker hem. En fast punkt. En h\u00e5la att g\u00f6mma sig i.<\/p>\n

Hemma. Sn\u00f6skottning. Pelletsfyllande. H\u00e4mta en maskin tv\u00e4tt och h\u00e4nga. Ja och s\u00e4tta p\u00e5 kaffe. Alltid detta kaffe. En morgonrutin som en krycka att h\u00e5lla sig fast vid varje morgon. Oftast smakar det inte ens gott. Men dricker, det g\u00f6r jag.<\/p>\n

L\u00e5tsaskontor och l\u00e5tsasjobb. Allt p\u00e5 l\u00e5tsas. De d\u00e4r tankarna om att ge upp som kryper p\u00e5 igen. De kommer s\u00e5klart ofta. \u00c4r n\u00e4ra. Kamrat tvivel. Bara idioter k\u00e4nner inte n\u00e4rhet till tvivlet. Jag l\u00e5tsasjobbar bort dem. Kryper in i min kokong och k\u00f6r. Borde kanske lyssna. Men g\u00f6r inte det. Inte p\u00e5 “ge upp”. Aldrig.<\/p>\n

Yngste sonen fyller \u00e5r idag. Tjugosex. Om\u00f6jligt att f\u00f6rst\u00e5. S\u00e5 gammal nu. Vi firar p\u00e5 l\u00f6rdag. Indisk mat, t\u00e5rta och en liten present. Grattis! J\u00e4ttegrattis!<\/p>\n

“Ge upp” dundrar p\u00e5 n\u00e4r jag sl\u00e5r p\u00e5 sk\u00e4rmarna. Thunderbird har \u00e4tit upp allt minne igen. Jo det \u00e4r m\u00e5nga flikar. Men fyra gig till ett program. Det \u00e4r l\u00f6jligt. Men \u00e5terstart av browsern. Man f\u00e5r tillbaks sina fyra gigabyte fast alla flikar fortfarande \u00e4r \u00f6ppna. Ja inte fan vet jag hur det fungerar. Men inte \u00e4r det helt bra.<\/p>\n

Allt annat ligger d\u00e4r klart i datorn redan. Bara att k\u00f6ra. P\u00e5 med den d\u00e4r spellistan som heter “:-(“, den som jag k\u00f6r s\u00e5 ofta. Det d\u00e4r l\u00e5ga \u00e4r den b\u00e4sta st\u00e4mningen att l\u00e5tsasjobba i. D\u00e5 \u00e4r jag som mest l\u00e5tsasproduktiv. Dyker jag ner i det sv\u00e5ra h\u00f6r jag snar inte det d\u00e4r skrikandet. “Ge upp” blir bara till ett avl\u00e4gset mummel. \u00d6verlevnadsbart.<\/p>\n

Kaffet \u00e4r kallt n\u00e4r jag k\u00f6r ig\u00e5ng. Det blir inte godare av det. Men har man h\u00e4llt upp en kopp s\u00e5 dricker man upp. Grimaserar och dricker. Det h\u00e4r blir en bra dag. Det \u00e4r jag s\u00e4ker p\u00e5.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Det \u00e4r en s\u00e5dan d\u00e4r morgon n\u00e4r allt skriker – “GE UPP!” H\u00f6gt skriks det ocks\u00e5. Det hj\u00e4lper inte att h\u00e5lla f\u00f6r \u00f6ronen. Det h\u00f6rs s\u00e5 tydligt \u00e4nd\u00e5. Ute sjunger f\u00e5glarna. Hackspetten trummar p\u00e5 ett utvalt tr\u00e4d med bra resonans. Det \u00e4r verkligen v\u00e5rk\u00e4nsla i luften. Den f\u00f6rsta dan i \u00e5r som den d\u00e4r k\u00e4nslan […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":24,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_crdt_document":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[24],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-27483","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-betraktelser"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":16860,"url":"https:\/\/www.akehedman.se\/wordpress\/?p=16860","url_meta":{"origin":27483,"position":0},"title":"Projekten och tvivlet","author":"\u00c5ke Hedman","date":"2015-03-06","format":false,"excerpt":"Halva dagen g\u00e5r \u00e5t till st\u00e4dning h\u00e4r idag. Det g\u00f6r inget. T\u00e4nktid det d\u00e4r. F\u00f6rdel det blir liksom fredag och halvhelg sen n\u00e4r man \u00e4r klar. Det \u00e4r mycket som rinner genom huvudet innan jag \u00e4r klar med l\u00e4genheten. T\u00e4nker p\u00e5 en v\u00e4ns projekt. Det \u00e4r s\u00e5 j\u00e4vla bra att\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Betraktelser & Ber\u00e4ttelse"","block_context":{"text":"Betraktelser & Ber\u00e4ttelse","link":"https:\/\/www.akehedman.se\/wordpress\/?cat=24"},"img":{"alt_text":"1375956708","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.eurosource.se\/akhe\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/03\/1375956708.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":36402,"url":"https:\/\/www.akehedman.se\/wordpress\/?p=36402","url_meta":{"origin":27483,"position":1},"title":"\u00d6gonen","author":"\u00c5ke Hedman","date":"2020-10-11","format":false,"excerpt":"Jag ser det i \u00f6gonen. Det finns ingen k\u00e4rlek kvar i dom d\u00e4r gr\u00f6na \u00f6gonen. 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Fast skulle beh\u00f6va ta mig igenom en\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Betraktelser & Ber\u00e4ttelse"","block_context":{"text":"Betraktelser & Ber\u00e4ttelse","link":"https:\/\/www.akehedman.se\/wordpress\/?cat=24"},"img":{"alt_text":"christmas tree with baubles","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.akehedman.se\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/12\/pexels-photo-717988.jpeg?resize=350%2C200&ssl=1","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.akehedman.se\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/12\/pexels-photo-717988.jpeg?resize=350%2C200&ssl=1 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.akehedman.se\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/12\/pexels-photo-717988.jpeg?resize=525%2C300&ssl=1 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.akehedman.se\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/12\/pexels-photo-717988.jpeg?resize=700%2C400&ssl=1 2x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.akehedman.se\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/12\/pexels-photo-717988.jpeg?resize=1050%2C600&ssl=1 3x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.akehedman.se\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/12\/pexels-photo-717988.jpeg?resize=1400%2C800&ssl=1 4x"},"classes":[]},{"id":23224,"url":"https:\/\/www.akehedman.se\/wordpress\/?p=23224","url_meta":{"origin":27483,"position":3},"title":"Tystnaden","author":"\u00c5ke Hedman","date":"2017-02-06","format":false,"excerpt":"Trumvirvlar fr\u00e5n tv\u00e5 hackspettar i en annars tyst skog. De har f\u00f6rm\u00e5ga att hitta de d\u00e4r tr\u00e4den med resonans. Det dundrar till r\u00e4tt bra. En n\u00e4ra, en annan lite l\u00e4ngre bort. N\u00e5gonstans en hona som skall imponeras p\u00e5 ocks\u00e5 gissar jag. V\u00e5rtrummande. K\u00e5ttrummande. Tidigt i \u00e5r. 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Jag \u00e4r helt s\u00e4ker, h\u00f6rde dom helt tydligt fr\u00e5n andra sidan sj\u00f6n. Dinggggg..., donggggg..., dinggggg..., donggggg... n\u00e5got s\u00e5n\u00e4r i takt, lite ost\u00e4mda, kanske lite slackande, som om klockaren var nyvaken eller kanske full. S\u00f6ndag \u00e4r det ju inte s\u00e5 jag gissade p\u00e5 begravning.\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Betraktelser & Ber\u00e4ttelse"","block_context":{"text":"Betraktelser & Ber\u00e4ttelse","link":"https:\/\/www.akehedman.se\/wordpress\/?cat=24"},"img":{"alt_text":"klocka","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.akehedman.se\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/03\/klocka.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":31154,"url":"https:\/\/www.akehedman.se\/wordpress\/?p=31154","url_meta":{"origin":27483,"position":5},"title":"Trevligt","author":"\u00c5ke Hedman","date":"2018-12-23","format":false,"excerpt":"Egentligen skulle jag v\u00e4l s\u00e4tta mig och skriva en sp\u00f6khistoria. Eller en saga. 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