{"id":2674,"date":"2013-01-20T20:59:28","date_gmt":"2013-01-20T19:59:28","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.eurosource.se\/akhe\/wordpress\/?p=2674"},"modified":"2013-04-23T12:15:52","modified_gmt":"2013-04-23T11:15:52","slug":"vuxna-man-grater-ju-inte","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.akehedman.se\/wordpress\/?p=2674","title":{"rendered":"Vuxna m\u00e4n gr\u00e5ter ju inte&#8230;"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><a href=\"http:\/\/www.eurosource.se\/akhe\/wordpress\/?attachment_id=2675\" rel=\"attachment wp-att-2675\"><img data-recalc-dims=\"1\" loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" src=\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.eurosource.se\/akhe\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/01\/t%C3%A5r-i-%C3%B6gat.png?resize=500%2C368\" alt=\"t\u00e5r i \u00f6gat\" width=\"500\" height=\"368\" class=\"alignnone size-full wp-image-2675\" \/><\/a><\/p>\n<p>Jag vill gr\u00e5ta men kan inte gr\u00e5ta. Jag \u00e4r ju stor nu. En vuxen man. En som inte l\u00e4ngre gr\u00e5ter. I alla fall inte n\u00e4r n\u00e5gon ser eller n\u00e4r det finns risk f\u00f6r att n\u00e5gon ser. Det finns ingen att gr\u00e5ta ut hos. I s\u00e4ngen ligger min mamma. Hon jag alltid kallat morsan. Hon andas inte mer. Varm fortfarande. Jag m\u00e5ste ordna saker. Ringa samtal. Brorsan m\u00e5ste f\u00e5 veta. Begravningsfirman kontaktas. S\u00e5 jag g\u00f6r allt det d\u00e4r. Tills det inte finns mer jag kan g\u00f6ra. Personalen har kl\u00e4tt p\u00e5 henne nu. Egentligen skulle dom ha \u00e5kt hem redan. Morsan \u00e4r fin. Ligger som hon sover d\u00e4r p\u00e5 s\u00e4ngen. S\u00e5 liten. Jag s\u00e4ger hej och \u00e5ker hem.<\/p>\n<p>Bes\u00f6k p\u00e5 begravningsbyr\u00e5n n\u00e4sta dag. V\u00e4ljer kista. V\u00e4ljer urna. Sen till \u00e4ldreboendet igen. Brorsan med fru tittar in och tar adj\u00f6 p\u00e5 v\u00e4g bort till v\u00e4rmen. Spanien tror jag. En kort sista stund. Jag stannar n\u00e4r dom \u00e5kt. Ser hennes lilla kropp f\u00f6r sista g\u00e5ngen. Gr\u00e5ter inte. Begravningsbyr\u00e5n kommer och l\u00e4gger henne i kistan. En kropp jag k\u00e4nner men som inte \u00e4r hennes l\u00e4ngre. Dom rullar iv\u00e4g med henne. Jag stannar en stund till. K\u00e4nner att hon inte finns h\u00e4r som hon egentligen aldrig funnits h\u00e4r. S\u00e5 jag g\u00e5r. \u00c5ker till farsans grav. D\u00e4r d\u00e4r hon ocks\u00e5 nu snart skall ligga. D\u00e4r brister det. Jag kan gr\u00e5ta p\u00e5 riktigt. Hulkar. Men bara en kort stund. Platsen \u00e4r f\u00f6r offentlig \u00e4nd\u00e5. Samlar mig. Bes\u00f6k hemma fr\u00e5n Holland den h\u00e4r veckan och jag vill vara f\u00f6r mig sj\u00e4lv s\u00e5 jag s\u00e4tter mig i bilen och drar iv\u00e4g. Bes\u00f6karna har f\u00e5tt sk\u00f6ta sig sj\u00e4lva hela veckan eftersom jag vakat. Gasar iv\u00e4g. Mil. Mot kusten. Havet f\u00e5r tr\u00f6sta mig. S\u00f6derhamns sk\u00e4rg\u00e5rd. Klipporna i H\u00f6lick. Men tr\u00f6sten finns naturligtvis inte d\u00e4r heller. Man kan aldrig fly fr\u00e5n sig sj\u00e4lv. Men det \u00e4r sk\u00f6nt att vara bara sj\u00e4lv.<\/p>\n<p>Jag gr\u00e5ter egentligen aldrig igen. K\u00e4nner ingenting p\u00e5 begravningen. Ingenting n\u00e4r vi s\u00e4tter ner urnan. Ingenting n\u00e4r vi st\u00e4dar ur hennes rum.  Ingenting n\u00e4r hennes namn finns d\u00e4r p\u00e5 gravstenen.  Vuxna m\u00e4n gr\u00e5ter ju inte&#8230;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Jag vill gr\u00e5ta men kan inte gr\u00e5ta. Jag \u00e4r ju stor nu. En vuxen man. En som inte l\u00e4ngre gr\u00e5ter. I alla fall inte n\u00e4r n\u00e5gon ser eller n\u00e4r det finns risk f\u00f6r att n\u00e5gon ser. Det finns ingen att gr\u00e5ta ut hos. I s\u00e4ngen ligger min mamma. Hon jag alltid kallat morsan. Hon andas [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":24,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_crdt_document":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[24,2],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2674","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-betraktelser","category-swedish"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":37288,"url":"https:\/\/www.akehedman.se\/wordpress\/?p=37288","url_meta":{"origin":2674,"position":0},"title":"En omv\u00e4nd cowboy","author":"\u00c5ke Hedman","date":"2020-12-23","format":false,"excerpt":"Photo by Francesco Ungaro on Pexels.com Jag \u00e5ker \u00f6sterut, mot soluppg\u00e5ngen, idag tidigt p\u00e5 morgonen. Som en omv\u00e4nd cowboy, en som v\u00e4grar att rida v\u00e4sterut mot solnedg\u00e5ngen. Jag s\u00e4jer tjena \u00e5t brorsan n\u00e4r jag \u00e5ker f\u00f6rbi honom. Han lever ju s\u00e5 han skulle egentligen kunnat h\u00f6ra det d\u00e4r hejandet. Men\u2026","rel":"","context":"In &quot;Swedish&quot;","block_context":{"text":"Swedish","link":"https:\/\/www.akehedman.se\/wordpress\/?cat=2"},"img":{"alt_text":"man digital illustration","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.akehedman.se\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/12\/pexels-photo-206064.jpeg?resize=350%2C200&ssl=1","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.akehedman.se\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/12\/pexels-photo-206064.jpeg?resize=350%2C200&ssl=1 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.akehedman.se\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/12\/pexels-photo-206064.jpeg?resize=525%2C300&ssl=1 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.akehedman.se\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/12\/pexels-photo-206064.jpeg?resize=700%2C400&ssl=1 2x"},"classes":[]},{"id":11350,"url":"https:\/\/www.akehedman.se\/wordpress\/?p=11350","url_meta":{"origin":2674,"position":1},"title":"Att f\u00e5 mer \u00e4n man f\u00f6rtj\u00e4nar","author":"\u00c5ke Hedman","date":"2013-12-08","format":false,"excerpt":"F\u00f6rst kom bloggl\u00e4saren Jan p\u00e5 bes\u00f6k med en flaska whisky och med den en trevlig pratstund, sen ligger det ett presentkort fr\u00e5n Jan-\u00c5ke p\u00e5 gott fr\u00e5n Bagarboden i postl\u00e5dan helt pl\u00f6tsligt, sen h\u00f6r Ann av sig och erbjuder n\u00e4rhet till havet i Sommar. 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Sju \u00e5r som g\u00e5r snabbare \u00e4n en grisblink s\u00e5 att man alltid snart sj\u00e4lv \u00e4r d\u00e4r, d\u00e4r\u2026","rel":"","context":"In &quot;Betraktelser &amp; Ber\u00e4ttelse&quot;","block_context":{"text":"Betraktelser &amp; Ber\u00e4ttelse","link":"https:\/\/www.akehedman.se\/wordpress\/?cat=24"},"img":{"alt_text":"Diskotek Hotellet publik 1973","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.eurosource.se\/akhe\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/03\/Diskotek-Hotellet-publik-1973.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":48869,"url":"https:\/\/www.akehedman.se\/wordpress\/?p=48869","url_meta":{"origin":2674,"position":3},"title":"En julhistoria","author":"\u00c5ke Hedman","date":"2024-12-23","format":false,"excerpt":"Photo by Tim Mossholder on Pexels.com Jag g\u00e5r p\u00e5 mitt jobb p\u00e5 kv\u00e4llen f\u00f6re julafton. Dan f\u00f6re dan. Jag jobbar extra p\u00e5 ett hospice. Inte som sjukv\u00e5rdspersonal, utan som en hand att h\u00e5lla, eller ett \u00f6ra som lyssnar n\u00e4r det beh\u00f6vs. Ja och det g\u00f6r\u00a0 det ofta. 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Det \u00e4r alltid samma sak varje \u00e5r. Vi beh\u00f6ver guld s\u00e5 att vi kan ordna ett riktigt trevligt julbord till alla p\u00e5 julafton och \u00e4ven om alla andra g\u00e4rna sk\u00e4nker en guldklimp eller tv\u00e5 s\u00e5 \u00e4r\u2026","rel":"","context":"In &quot;Betraktelser &amp; Ber\u00e4ttelse&quot;","block_context":{"text":"Betraktelser &amp; Ber\u00e4ttelse","link":"https:\/\/www.akehedman.se\/wordpress\/?cat=24"},"img":{"alt_text":"Motor-Ny-Motor-Renoverad-Motor-Begagnad-Motor-Utbytesmotor","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.akehedman.se\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2012\/12\/Motor-Ny-Motor-Renoverad-Motor-Begagnad-Motor-Utbytesmotor.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.akehedman.se\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2012\/12\/Motor-Ny-Motor-Renoverad-Motor-Begagnad-Motor-Utbytesmotor.jpg?resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.akehedman.se\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2012\/12\/Motor-Ny-Motor-Renoverad-Motor-Begagnad-Motor-Utbytesmotor.jpg?resize=525%2C300 1.5x"},"classes":[]},{"id":23779,"url":"https:\/\/www.akehedman.se\/wordpress\/?p=23779","url_meta":{"origin":2674,"position":5},"title":"Ur mina h\u00e4nder&#8230;","author":"\u00c5ke Hedman","date":"2017-03-21","format":false,"excerpt":"Jag noterar det d\u00e4r huset. 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