Jag sliter ut musiken ur mig. Drar ut varje ansats till melodi. Varje rim, varje stavelse i en existerande eller begynnande text. Allt skall bort, hur ont det \u00e4n g\u00f6r. Det som h\u00e5ller sig krampaktigt fast i synapser och inte vill sl\u00e4ppa taget. Men jag \u00e4r starkare. Drar h\u00e5rdare. F\u00f6rst\u00f6r. Krossar. F\u00f6rg\u00f6r i ett tempo som inte ligger l\u00e5ngt efter en rasande demon l\u00f6ssl\u00e4ppt i en ny\u00f6ppnad Orreforsbutik d\u00e4r allt det vackra blir till glaskross.<\/p>\n
Ackordf\u00f6ljder som sitter d\u00e4r i musklerna \u00e5ker samma v\u00e4g. F\u00f6rh\u00e5rdnaderna p\u00e5 fingrarna f\u00e5r mjukna \u00f6ver tiden men innan dess skall ocks\u00e5 det of\u00f6dda ut. Tr\u00e4s upp p\u00e5 gl\u00f6mskans tr\u00e5drullar och kastas i soptunnan. Det g\u00f6r ont. Men bit f\u00f6r bit f\u00f6rsvinner musiken. Det \u00e4r S\u00f6ndag, Augusti 1978. Min sista dag som musiker. Imorgon b\u00f6rjar det andra livet. Kunskap om elementarpartiklar och molekyler skall snart fylla tomrummet. Den existens som jag tidigare sj\u00f6ng om men nu f\u00f6rs\u00f6ker f\u00f6rst\u00e5 och l\u00e4ra mig allt om. Algoritmer och elektroniska kretsar. Utforskandet av ljudet, v\u00e5gorna och kvantpartiklarna.<\/p>\n
Men fast tiden g\u00e5r st\u00e5r jag fortfarande d\u00e4r och gr\u00e5ter p\u00e5 konserterna. V\u00e4nder mig och ser ut \u00f6ver publiken med t\u00e5rarna fl\u00f6dande. K\u00e4nner att h\u00e5let, eller \u00e4r det saknaden, finns kvar d\u00e4r inom mig. F\u00f6rs\u00f6ker fylla det med mer arbete. Fler timmar. Mer kunskap. Och lyckas n\u00e4stan. Ibland.<\/p>\n
En gitarr som h\u00e4nger d\u00e4r p\u00e5 v\u00e4ggen som inte \u00e4r min. Cornelis gitarrist, Conny, f\u00f6rs\u00f6ker \u00f6vertala. Men jag flyr hals \u00f6ver huvud. Kom n\u00e4stan f\u00f6r n\u00e4ra igen och det g\u00f6r ont. Nu har tystnaden vunnit. Nu \u00e4r jag ingenj\u00f6ren. Kall, ber\u00e4knande och k\u00e4nslom\u00e4ssigt d\u00f6d och gitarren, en annan nu, som inte heller \u00e4r min, f\u00e5r h\u00e4nga kvar d\u00e4r p\u00e5 v\u00e4ggen. Samla tidens damm.<\/p>\n
Och s\u00e5 en liten grodd som solen, eller \u00e4r det dom man litade p\u00e5, brutalt br\u00e4nner s\u00f6nder sommaren 2003. Det sista av det oskuldsfulla, or\u00f6rda som fanns kvar. Det som skulle finnas bevarat och obesudlat l\u00e4ngst in, \u00e4r borta. Men den ger sig aldrig riktigt den d\u00e4r grodden. D\u00e4r bland allt det bortbr\u00e4nda och fula tittar den f\u00f6rsiktigt upp igen. Som om den faktiskt trodde att det fanns en framtid. Jag \u00e4r dock helt s\u00e4ker, och trygg i f\u00f6rvissningen, att p\u00e5 det skall klacken p\u00e5 en st\u00f6vel \u00e4ntligen slutgiltigt kunna s\u00e4tta stopp!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Jag sliter ut musiken ur mig. Drar ut varje ansats till melodi. Varje rim, varje stavelse i en existerande eller begynnande text. Allt skall bort, hur ont det \u00e4n g\u00f6r. Det som h\u00e5ller sig krampaktigt fast i synapser och inte vill sl\u00e4ppa taget. Men jag \u00e4r starkare. Drar h\u00e5rdare. F\u00f6rst\u00f6r. Krossar. F\u00f6rg\u00f6r i ett tempo […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":24,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_crdt_document":"","_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[24,9,2],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2009","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-betraktelser","category-musik","category-swedish"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":15768,"url":"https:\/\/www.akehedman.se\/wordpress\/?p=15768","url_meta":{"origin":2009,"position":0},"title":"Det r\u00e4cker inte","author":"\u00c5ke Hedman","date":"2014-12-17","format":false,"excerpt":"Jag drar upp elementet i studion n\u00e4r jag g\u00e5r f\u00f6rbi. Utifall. Jag m\u00e5ste f\u00f6rs\u00f6ka \u00e4nd\u00e5. Min jull\u00e5t har liksom blivit en tradition vid det h\u00e4r laget. Vad spelar det f\u00f6r roll s\u00e4ger du, ingen lyssnar ju \u00e4nd\u00e5. Men det \u00e4r ju inte det det handlar om s\u00e5klart. Man kan g\u00f6ra\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Betraktelser & Ber\u00e4ttelse"","block_context":{"text":"Betraktelser & Ber\u00e4ttelse","link":"https:\/\/www.akehedman.se\/wordpress\/?cat=24"},"img":{"alt_text":"001","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.eurosource.se\/akhe\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/12\/001-1024x768.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.eurosource.se\/akhe\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/12\/001-1024x768.jpg?resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.eurosource.se\/akhe\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/12\/001-1024x768.jpg?resize=525%2C300 1.5x"},"classes":[]},{"id":1696,"url":"https:\/\/www.akehedman.se\/wordpress\/?p=1696","url_meta":{"origin":2009,"position":1},"title":"Mer lokal musik \u00e5t folket!","author":"\u00c5ke Hedman","date":"2012-10-04","format":false,"excerpt":"\u00d6ppet brev till lokalradion i kungariket Sverige. 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Eller det kan vara den f\u00f6rsta veckan.\u00a0 Vad vet ocoola gubbar om s\u00e5dant. En hel del kanske. M\u00f6jligen \u00e4r det bara jag som \u00e4r bortkopplad. Jag \u00e4gnar dagar \u00e5t att sitta och f\u00f6rs\u00f6ka f\u00f6rst\u00e5. Men f\u00f6rst\u00e5r g\u00f6r jag icke. 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Sen kommer pelletsleveransen och d\u00e5 kan man s\u00e5klart inte ojja sig l\u00e4ngre.?Man f\u00e5r bita ihop. 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