![\"2015-12-16_13-00-40\"](\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.akehedman.se\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/12\/2015-12-16_13-00-40.png?resize=472%2C467\")
<\/p>\n<\/p>\n
Jag g\u00e5r f\u00f6rbi de d\u00f6da och kan inte f\u00f6r mitt liv f\u00f6rst\u00e5 att han\/hon\/det\/gud l\u00e5ter mig leva n\u00e4r dom inte fick det.\u00a0 Tv\u00e5 av dem yngre \u00e4n mig. \u00c4lskade av m\u00e5nga. Kan inte l\u00e5ta bli att t\u00e4nka att det borde ha varit jag. Ist\u00e4llet. Om vi st\u00e5tt d\u00e4r tillsammans och f\u00e5tt v\u00e4lja. Men det f\u00e5r man nu inte och jag har lovat han\/hon\/det\/gud att leva hela livet. Ibland \u00f6nskar jag att jag inte gett det l\u00f6ftet.<\/p>\n
Det \u00e4r fint att promenera p\u00e5 morgonen. F\u00e5glarna har satt ig\u00e5ng sin konsert. Lyssnar man lyfts man. Ja ocks\u00e5 s\u00e5dana som jag som “bara g\u00e5r hemma”. F\u00f6r det \u00e4r med f\u00e5gels\u00e5ng som med allt annat, det \u00e4r inte alltid de som f\u00f6rtj\u00e4nar den som f\u00e5r den till sig.<\/p>\n
Skogen och berget ropar \u00e5t mig att komma till dem. Men \u00e4nnu ligger sn\u00f6n. F\u00f6r mycket f\u00f6r att ge sig ut. Men snart. Mycket snart nu kan man \u00e4ntligen komma ut dit d\u00e4r man h\u00f6r hemma. Vinterf\u00e4ngelsef\u00f6rvaret \u00e4r \u00f6ver och man har \u00f6verlevt \u00e4nnu en g\u00e5ng. Knappt s\u00e5klart. Som vanligt. F\u00f6rst d\u00e4r ute f\u00f6rst\u00e5r jag hur betydelsel\u00f6st det jag g\u00f6r n\u00e4r jag sitter h\u00e4r inne verkligen \u00e4r. En god insikt. En som g\u00f6r ont. Som alla goda insikter.<\/p>\n
Idag \u00e4r det d\u00e5 mjukvarudag. Som det nu blev best\u00e4mt. Motvilligt l\u00e4gger jag h\u00e5rdvaruprojektet \u00e5t sidan tills p\u00e5 m\u00e5ndag. D\u00e5 \u00e4r det precis tv\u00e4rtom. Jag \u00e4r inne i mjukvaran och m\u00e5ste motvilligt l\u00e4gga det projektet ifr\u00e5n mig. Men det \u00e4r som att t\u00e4nja p\u00e5 en oanv\u00e4nd muskel. Det g\u00e5r b\u00e4ttre efter ett tag.<\/p>\n
Jag skulle kunnat skrika “oh gud l\u00e5t mig d\u00f6” f\u00f6r ingen h\u00f6r mig. Allra minst han\/hon\/det\/gud. Men g\u00f6r nu inte det. Jag jobbar vidare ist\u00e4llet. Av n\u00e5gon outgrundlig anledning g\u00f6r jag det. Meter efter meter. Eller mikrometer efter mikrometer. Mot ett m\u00e5l som \u00e4r f\u00f6r l\u00e5ngt bort f\u00f6r att en ensam man skall kunna n\u00e5 det sj\u00e4lv under ett liv.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Jag g\u00e5r f\u00f6rbi de d\u00f6da och kan inte f\u00f6r mitt liv f\u00f6rst\u00e5 att han\/hon\/det\/gud l\u00e5ter mig leva n\u00e4r dom inte fick det.\u00a0 Tv\u00e5 av dem yngre \u00e4n mig. \u00c4lskade av m\u00e5nga. Kan inte l\u00e5ta bli att t\u00e4nka att det borde ha varit jag. Ist\u00e4llet. Om vi st\u00e5tt d\u00e4r tillsammans och f\u00e5tt v\u00e4lja. Men det f\u00e5r […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":24,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_crdt_document":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[24],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-20058","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-betraktelser"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":23069,"url":"https:\/\/www.akehedman.se\/wordpress\/?p=23069","url_meta":{"origin":20058,"position":0},"title":"Gr\u00e4s\u00e4nklingsliv","author":"\u00c5ke Hedman","date":"2017-01-28","format":false,"excerpt":"Katterna och jag tycker det \u00e4r tomt. N\u00e4r K \u00e4r borta. Gr\u00e4s\u00e4nklingsliv. Men titta p\u00e5 TV, \u00e4ta, l\u00e4sa, sova och l\u00e5tsasjobba g\u00e4ller f\u00f6r mig. Inte mycket som man bygger en v\u00e4rld p\u00e5 allts\u00e5. Man hoppas andra sk\u00f6ter den delen. \u00c5tminstone idag.\u00a0 K st\u00e4dar ur sin fars l\u00e4genhet d\u00e4r nere i\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Betraktelser & Ber\u00e4ttelse"","block_context":{"text":"Betraktelser & Ber\u00e4ttelse","link":"https:\/\/www.akehedman.se\/wordpress\/?cat=24"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.akehedman.se\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/01\/20170128_100651-1024x576.png?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.akehedman.se\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/01\/20170128_100651-1024x576.png?resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.akehedman.se\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/01\/20170128_100651-1024x576.png?resize=525%2C300 1.5x"},"classes":[]},{"id":20995,"url":"https:\/\/www.akehedman.se\/wordpress\/?p=20995","url_meta":{"origin":20058,"position":1},"title":"JA! s\u00e4ger jag","author":"\u00c5ke Hedman","date":"2016-07-11","format":false,"excerpt":"Regnv\u00e4dersdag. Jobbdag allts\u00e5. Och jag jobbar. Men det \u00e4r inte med den vanliga koncentrationen. Men det \u00e4r som det \u00e4r. Fram\u00e5t g\u00e5r det i alla fall \u00e4ven om det tycks r\u00f6ra sig d\u00e4r\u00e5t med snigelfart. Jag beh\u00f6ver komma loss. En bekant r\u00f6r sig genom Sverige med l\u00e4tthet nu i dagarna.\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Betraktelser & Ber\u00e4ttelse"","block_context":{"text":"Betraktelser & Ber\u00e4ttelse","link":"https:\/\/www.akehedman.se\/wordpress\/?cat=24"},"img":{"alt_text":"3303064_1200_675","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.akehedman.se\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/07\/3303064_1200_675.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.akehedman.se\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/07\/3303064_1200_675.jpg?resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.akehedman.se\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/07\/3303064_1200_675.jpg?resize=525%2C300 1.5x"},"classes":[]},{"id":16194,"url":"https:\/\/www.akehedman.se\/wordpress\/?p=16194","url_meta":{"origin":20058,"position":2},"title":"IS krigare och han den d\u00e4r Ulf Lundell","author":"\u00c5ke Hedman","date":"2015-01-18","format":false,"excerpt":"En helg som \u00e4r till enda snart. Jag sover l\u00e4nge i soffan p\u00e5 morgonen. Vaknar f\u00f6rst halv \u00e5tta och tror att klockan \u00e4r tre. Halvsover, \u00e4ter frukost, sl\u00f6tittar p\u00e5 morgontv.\u00a0 Tar igen det d\u00e4r beh\u00f6vliga allts\u00e5 som nattens obrutna s\u00f6mn tydligen inte gett mig. L\u00e4ser en stund och somnar sedan\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Betraktelser & Ber\u00e4ttelse"","block_context":{"text":"Betraktelser & Ber\u00e4ttelse","link":"https:\/\/www.akehedman.se\/wordpress\/?cat=24"},"img":{"alt_text":"014","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.akehedman.se\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/12\/014-1024x768.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.akehedman.se\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/12\/014-1024x768.jpg?resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.akehedman.se\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/12\/014-1024x768.jpg?resize=525%2C300 1.5x"},"classes":[]},{"id":36725,"url":"https:\/\/www.akehedman.se\/wordpress\/?p=36725","url_meta":{"origin":20058,"position":3},"title":"S\u00e5h\u00e4r \u00e4r det att d\u00f6","author":"\u00c5ke Hedman","date":"2020-11-10","format":false,"excerpt":"Jag g\u00e5r rakt in i ljuset. Ser bara ljuset. En tunnel. Hela v\u00e4rlden \u00e4r ljus. V\u00e4gen g\u00e5r rakt in och upp i det d\u00e4r. Jag kisar, ljuset \u00e4r s\u00e5 starkt. Men g\u00e5r vidare utan r\u00e4dsla. Det finns inget att vara r\u00e4dd f\u00f6r. Jag k\u00e4nner det s\u00e5 tydligt. S\u00e5 mildras det\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Betraktelser & Ber\u00e4ttelse"","block_context":{"text":"Betraktelser & Ber\u00e4ttelse","link":"https:\/\/www.akehedman.se\/wordpress\/?cat=24"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.akehedman.se\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/11\/IMG_20201110_090217.jpg?resize=350%2C200&ssl=1","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.akehedman.se\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/11\/IMG_20201110_090217.jpg?resize=350%2C200&ssl=1 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.akehedman.se\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/11\/IMG_20201110_090217.jpg?resize=525%2C300&ssl=1 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.akehedman.se\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/11\/IMG_20201110_090217.jpg?resize=700%2C400&ssl=1 2x"},"classes":[]},{"id":10277,"url":"https:\/\/www.akehedman.se\/wordpress\/?p=10277","url_meta":{"origin":20058,"position":4},"title":"L\u00e5tsasj\u00e4ktigt, ja det skulle det kunna vara","author":"\u00c5ke Hedman","date":"2013-10-02","format":false,"excerpt":"Morgonen i det stora huset p\u00e5 kullen handlar om att hitta tidsluckor. Man hoppar upp pigg och nyter och sen skall man \u00e4ta frukost vid lagom tid och lagom l\u00e4nge s\u00e5 att det finns en ledig tidslucka d\u00e4refter n\u00e4r tekokaren kan v\u00e4rma vatten och undertecknad kan hoppa in i duschen\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Betraktelser & Ber\u00e4ttelse"","block_context":{"text":"Betraktelser & Ber\u00e4ttelse","link":"https:\/\/www.akehedman.se\/wordpress\/?cat=24"},"img":{"alt_text":"images (2)","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.eurosource.se\/akhe\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/10\/images-2.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":13375,"url":"https:\/\/www.akehedman.se\/wordpress\/?p=13375","url_meta":{"origin":20058,"position":5},"title":"Man m\u00e5ste slita av sig…","author":"\u00c5ke Hedman","date":"2014-06-05","format":false,"excerpt":"Vi \u00e4ter mat, frun har tr\u00e4ningsv\u00e4rk efter idrottsdag, hon har m\u00e4tt l\u00e4ngdhopp, jag har inte tr\u00e4ningsv\u00e4rk men \u00e4r tr\u00f6tt \u00e4nd\u00e5. Varsin tekopp b\u00e4rs rutinm\u00e4ssigt\u00a0ut till gr\u00f6na soffan. Nyhetstimme. Vi somnar djupt d\u00e4r i den soffan b\u00e5da tv\u00e5 innan rapport har b\u00f6rjat. Vaknar till v\u00e4dret. 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